A Friend is…
I like Asian food. I like Asian food a lot. I could eat a combination of sushi, tempura, Chinese stir-fry, Korean barbecue, and Mongolian fried rice every day of the week. The only other foods you’d have to throw in there for me to get a balanced diet are buffalo wings and the occasional Maine lobster. Mmm mmm mmm… I’m salivating all over my keyboard just thinking about it.
My brother and I were indulging in a feast like the aforementioned one last Friday after work, and damn was it good. We both had the Yu-Shiang Chicken, and even though it had their highest ’spicy’ rating (3 asterisks ***), it was actually more like one and a half asterisks, which is perfect in my book. You see, I’m one of those weird folks who like to have food be more tasty than it is spicy. I’m not a pussy when it comes to really spicy food, but when all you can concentrate on when eating something is that your taste buds hate you and that it’s going to take at least fifteen minutes before they can taste anything again, then the cook was just too lazy to make it actually taste good and threw you off with some habeñero peppers.
Anyway, the point of this story doesn’t actually revolve around the type of food I like or why I think overly spicy foods are just the lazy chef’s creation (yes I know all about the chemical that releases endorphins you junkies!). It’s actually about the fortune my brother got at the end of the meal.
So he opens up his fortune cookie, and stares at the fortune for a bit too long, and then reads it out loud to me: “A friend is a present you give yourself”. He just laughs and shakes his head. I grab it to see if it really does say that. Yes, it does. So when you make a new friend you’re giving yourself a gift, huh? Hmm, sounds about right. There’s just one problem, this sounds like something my elementary school guidance counselor would be telling me, not a mysterious fortune that keeps me coming back for more and more Chinese food. When the hell did it become ok for the guys in the fortune cookie factories to start stealing material from ‘Dick and Jane’ books? I think only one out of every fifteen fortune cookies I open now-a-days has a real fortune in it. And those are a bunch of lame crap your grandmother would tell you, like “You will make great accomplishments someday.” What the hell is that? That’s more vague than the daily horoscopes. I want to know exactly who I have to kill and whose ass I need to kiss to get to the top, not that making friends with every alcoholic divorced father of two at the local bar is “giving a present to myself”.
Good gawd, I thought ‘Sun Tzu’ was from China for Christ’s-sake. I don’t think a tip now and then on how to crush your enemies would be so hard, now would it?
I am such a pussy when it comes to spicy food. My lips are very sensitive (get your mind out of the gutter) and when I eat spicy food it feels like the skin on my lips are melting away. Besides that I have IBS, which means that my asshole burns just as much, if not more, than my lips do. (TMI?)
I was all set to buy myself new clothes as a gift to myself, then you go and tell me that a friend is a present to give myself!! Well shit, a friend is much cheaper than clothes, so ya wanna be my new friend?? =)
I hate the fortunes that assume I’m doing something wrong like, “Being materialistic will only bring you emptyness.” What the hell??? I didn’t come here to eat great tasting food only to become depressed.
You’re supposed to add “in bed” to the end of it.
So your brother’s fortune is “A friend is a present you give yourself in bed.” I guess “friend could be a guy or girl, depending on preference.
The other one you mentioned is “You will make great accomplishments someday in bed.” Sounds promising.
And The Phoenix gets “Being materialistic will only bring you emptyness in bed” which is still quite depressing.
I’m glad someone else has noticed this faux fortune conspiracy. Fortune cookies NEVER have true fortunes anymore, just lame “I Learned Everything I Need to Know in Kindergarten” affirmations.
It all started when they started putting lotto numbers on the backs of the slips if you ask me! GAMBLIN’ WILL THE RUINATION OF THIS WORLD BY JESUS!
with a fortune like that i’d demand another cookie, if you’r gonna make the effort to tell me my fortune at least leave me with something useful like the powerball numbers for next week
April: Maybe TMI… but I think I started it with my last post. So no worries.
The Phoenix: Yeah, I think fortune writers have list a little of their luster to say the least.
JJ: I didn’t mention that once did I? It really is an absolutely appropriate fortune if you add ‘in bed’… guess I should have thought of that before I started writing.
Poobah: I think the Lotto commissions are in cahoots with the fortune cookie writers.
eric: true dat…
Now you’ve got me wanting some Asian food!! I love it, too. And I agree with you on the spice factor - I like just enough spice for a bite and zing, but not so much that my mouth is on fire and I cannot taste the flavors of the dish.
As for fortune cookie fortunes - I tend to take those with a grain of salt, but yeah, they do need some new writers or something!
I just want to be April’s friend. The whole sensitive lips, etc. just got to me. Can’t help it. I’m easy.
Confucious say: Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion.
More confucious for those that need more fortune cookie wisdom. http://www.humorsphere.com/confucius/
Chris: Thanks for the link! One that jumped out at me - “Man who put cock in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts.”