An Ode to Tweeker Chick
I just wanted to take a moment to express my new found admiration for Tweeker Chick. She has single-handedly written one of the most honest and thought-provoking posts in recent years. The blog post I’m referring to is “50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex“. She wrote it to sort of balance out a similar post about the mistakes men make before, during and after coitus.
What I’m so amazed about is the common sense she uses in coming up with this list. I’m going to be sexist and say, as a female, she has probably put into words what every man has wanted to for the past 100 years. Here’s a list of some of my favorite mistakes women make during sex:
4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.
I don’t really have a problem cuddling (within reason). Yet, for a woman to recognize there might be a physiological difference between the genders’ reactions to sex means there’s hope for a few men out there.
9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.
Again, I don’t really have a reason to complain about this. But there is definitely a stigma against guys just wanting a good blowjob. So why get all pissed off when he’s trying to show you how to do it right?
18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.
I’d actually be a little afraid to try this with my girl… but I like how she instructs females to “stop being sissies”. For real.
28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. Its your choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?
If you’re surprised that a guy might be confused by this behavior, then you deserve to hear him bitch about blue balls like he was still in high school.
34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.
You heard the woman. All this “But when I look at it, I’m afraid it’s going to poke me in the eye” is a bunch of hooey.
38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).
Finally, some respect for the American Dream. So how about if the requests fall somewhere between one and once every five minutes?
41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.
I think the tightening of the pores thing is scientific fact, mainly because I saw it on Nip/Tuck. But really, all I could think of for this mistake was JJ’s new term: jizz divots.
45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.
I don’t think there is a guy I know who wouldn’t call this a HUGE mistake. I don’t care how hot and bothered you are, a UFIA is never a good thing.
That’s a fucking great list. I hope the ladies out there are paying attention.
JJ: Me too… This better make it into a magazine of some worth.
Lots of truth out there…finally.
ha! love it…apparently I’m not wired TOO differently than a guy. personally even I don’t understand why most women care so much about cuddling. I couldn’t care less about it!
Hey!
Thanks for the support!
This entire thing sorta blew up over night. It’s nice to see people who actually get it.
About that magazine…it’s in the works if nothing falls through.
Phoenix: And written so us guys can understand it!
Dawn: I’m glad to hear your husband is in such good hands!
Clare: You’re quite welcome! And I hope you let everyone know if it actually does make it into a publication of some sort.
It’s a good list but honestly, I think there are plenty of women out there who feel exactly the same way. I know that 90% of my female friends do. But then again I gravitate towards women with similar ideas. To be honest, I’m a little sickened that so many people think these are revolutionary ideas. You all have been fucking the wrong people.
Can’t we all just get along?
Seriously, that is CLASSIC.
Riss: You’re definitely right. Guys are notorious for picking partners based on factors much lower on the scale than compatibility. But I have known a few females who should DEFINITELY give this list a read-through.
Dedd: I knew you’d agree.
That was really insightful post indeed.
my new girl wants me to cuddle AND talk dirty with her… not that there’s anything wrong with that =;-)
Rockyjay: Insightful… but more common sense. Seems like women should already kinda know this stuff.
minijonb: I think we can all agree that’s a fair compromise.
I forgot to keep you posted, but I DID get it published in FHM. 3 more features too!
Now Im working on a book
Clare: Thanks for keeping us up to date! I’ll definitely have to do a follow up post about this now.
Get on it! By the end of this week I want your entire website to be about me.