My First Shoe Shine

Have you ever had your shoes shined? Well, I hadn’t until recently. And it was a bit of an experience. I hadn’t really planned on it, but these aren’t things we typically plan on are they?

It all started because I was supposed to meet a group from work in a Corporate Box at Keeneland. For those of you in the 49 states where horse racing doesn’t matter, Keeneland is one of the nicest racetracks in the country. They even filmed part of Seabiscuit there.

The deal with going to Keeneland is that everyone gets dressed up. And since I was going to be in an honest-to-goodness Corporate Box this time, I really had to look snazzy. So I put on my Sunday best, complete with Kenneth Cole shoes and a tie I paid entirely too much for.

The Corporate Box was impressive. I knew I didn’t belong there, but that didn’t keep me from ordering bloody marys like they were going out of style. You put this little sticker on your coat lapel that lets all the staff know you’re supposed to be walking into elevators with the rest of the rich people.

But the Corporate Box is just part of my story…

The whole reason I got a shoe shine to begin with was because I was feeling all important and stuff (you know, like Macauley Culkin when he realizes he has the run of the house in Home Alone). Nothing makes you feel as upper crust as bumping shoulders with the upper crust while they’re doing their upper crust things and hanging out in upper crust places.

I was actually on my way out of the race track when I saw a shoe shine stand. I thought to myself, “How many times will you actually be wearing shoes nice enough to get shined when you walk by a shoe shine stand?” Realistic answer: probably 3 times in my entire life.

So I went up to the stand like I knew what I was doing. Thankfully, the only lingo you need to know to get your shoes shined at a shoe shine stand is, “I’d like my shoes shined please.” After that, the most you have to worry about is falling off the damn thing as you climb up and then again as you try your best to gracefully climb down.

The most interesting part of the experience was how the shiner (for lack of a better word) talked to me. He asked me all sorts of questions. The first one being, “So, are your parents doctors around here?” Huh? What? I don’t think I’ve ever gotten that particular question in my life, and its even stranger that it was the first or second question someone I’ve just met asked me.

I told him what they did, which didn’t include being doctors, and he seemed to understand that. Then he asked me if I had graduated or was I still studying to be a lawyer. My brain went, “Huh? What?” again. I wasn’t quite sure why these types of questions were coming up. And then it dawned on me: What type of people wear shoes that are nice enough to get shined every time they walk past a shoe shine stand? That’s right. The upper crust. He thought I was really part of that crowd from up in the corporate boxes, ergo I should be answering these questions in the affirmative.

After this realization, I felt like I had to connect with this guy. I wanted to say, “No, you don’t understand. I’m just like you. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I work full time and have a disproportionate amount of debt! You can’t lump me in with them!” But all I could think of was to start talking about University of Kentucky sports. Ah-Ha! That was it! I made the connection! We started bitching about the football and basketball programs and all was well.

He finished up, I carefully made my way off the stand, and then I tipped him well. I could finally quit pretending and get my ass back home into some jeans.