Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Smoke
February 14th, 2006 by mojotek
First of all, I don’t smoke. I hate the smell, I hate the smell it leaves on people’s breath, and I hate how it makes your hair and clothes stink if you go out. But, and this is a big but, there are several reasons why one should smoke and I’m going to lay out the top ten for you:
- Smoking looks cool. For some reason bad ass people look even badder when they have a cigarette in their hand. James Dean smoked, the Rat Pack smoked, even Steve Buscemi smokes on screen from time to time. You have to give credit where credit is due, and that credit goes to cool people who smoke. Thankfully I knew at a young I age that I would never be that cool, and thus smoking would not help my image. Thank you self esteem!
- Smoking gives you an excuse to do something with your hands. Everyone knows playing with stuff in your fingers is exciting. So why not do it while smoking? Playing Jacks? Meh… that’s way too 30’s and 40’s for this modern guy.
- Smoking opens up a whole new social scene. Ever been out with your friends to a bar or club that didn’t allow smoking? Did you notice how all the cool people would always make regular trips to step outside and puff on a cigarillo? What do you think these cool kids talk about? Why, everything cool that you never get to partake in, of course!
- Smoking gives you an excuse to take a 10 minute break every half hour. I can’t tell you how jealous I am of the smokers I work with that get to go outside and talk about cool stuff for 20 minutes out of every hour. This is probably the most compelling reason why you should smoke. Stick it to the man! Tell him you have to smoke or you’re going to go ape shit in the work place, he’ll understand.
- Smoking gives you an inside track on speaking inventory jargon with the clerk behind the counter. It’s amazing to me the copius varieties of cigarettes one can buy at the neighborhood gas station. If I hear one more person tell the clerk that they need “two soft packs of Camel Turkish Menthol Virginia Slim 100’s and one hard pack of Marlboro Cowboy Killer Medium Extreme Lights” I’m going to punch them in the teeth and then sue them to pay for the skin bleaching I’ll have to endure to get the yellow off of my knuckles.
- Smoking gives you something to do while you’re eating if you live in rural Kentucky. Let’s face it. Meal time just isn’t meal time in a restaurant if you don’t have a Marlboro Light in one hand and a piece of fried chicken in the other. What’s that greenish-grey film on the ceiling tiles you say? Oh don’t mind that, we call that ambiance!
- Smoking let’s you bum something from complete strangers on a regular basis. Nothing gives you more right to walk up to a stranger and ask for something free than being a smoker without a pack. It’s completely acceptable to walk up to anyone you see who ‘looks like they might’ smoke and say, “Hey man/hoochie, can I bum a smoke?”
- Smoking let’s you hide stuff from people. For some people, hiding the fact that they smoke from people they care about is all they have in life. Constantly dodging questions, spraying Febreeze on your clothes, or trying to remember whether or not you left that spare pack of menthols in the glove compartment can consume your day with all the fulfillment you need.
- Smoking encourages better personal hygiene. It’s common knowledge that jacked-up and yellow-stained teeth are better left to the professionals, like the Brits. Real god-fearing, all-American smokers should take 4 showers a day and brush and floss about twice as often. Austin Powers may be swingin’, but his grill is all fucked up.
- Smoking gives you the right to complain when some government says you can’t do it. If you don’t smoke, you basically forfeit the right to complain when a city passes an ordinance banning smoking in public establishments such as restaurants and bars. Whoever the sissies were that said, “Smoking in a restaurant is like peeing in a public pool” are a bunch of pansies that need to be flogged. Everyone knows that it’s a myth that second hand smoke affects other people. Grow a pair and smoke some ‘backer commies!
What the hell kind of Kentuckian are you? Do they know about you in Frankfort?
It’s all about how cool it looks… If eating tofu looked as cool, everyone would do it… Fuck, does smoking look cool.
This is simply the most brilliant ass piece of bloggin’ I’ve ever read. “We call that ambience??!?” HAHAHA!!!
But seriously, DO smokers take better care of themselves?? I’ve walked past more people that smell like ashtrays than I care to remember. And it’s not the fresh “I just lit up” smell. It’s that deep down, ground in funk that tobacco takes on when it oozes out of your pores.
Gack! Now I’ve lost my appetite.
I love smoking! But I had to quit.. The whole dieing thing is a big draw back and its nice to not have a sore thoat.
Poobah: I guess I’m a shitty one… I’ve always thought that KY farmers should make their #1 cash crop something that doesn’t cause cancer. You know, like ganja.
Woody Harrelson once got arrested here for planting hemp seeds (in protest, he only planted about 4 and it was right in front of some police).
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Homofictus: I wish eating sushi made you look badass…
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ngregory00: Thanks! Glad you caught the ambience line. I doubt they take better care of themselves… but I sure wish they did!
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Scott: Don’t get me wrong, I used to smoke whenever I drank… but I always bummed off other people. And the sore throat the next day was always killer.
Just went to Dave & Busters (basically a Chuck E. Cheese for adults) and the city had put in a no-smoking ordinance. I was amazed…the place didn’t reak of smoke. I could actually see the ceiling. I walked out of there, smelling like myself instead of nicotine.
I feel bad for smokers, but seriously - it was a much better experience for everyone else.
I’ve seen someone with black lung, and they had a tube in them to drain out all this black sludge from her lungs. Witnessing that will stop any smoker.
The Phoenix: I actually feel sorry for them too… but if you actually see what a bowling alley is like if smoking is banned, you get a whole new perspective.
i can’t definitely relate to all of these…lol No matter how many times I quit, I start back up again eventually… I swear they put heroine in cigarettes!
I don’t like dating people who smoke, and whenever I realize I’d like to get to know someone, I see a cigarette wedged between their fingers or between their lips. Gack.
I guess if I ever smoked (and frankly I’d rather inhale broken glass), it would give me an excuse to talk to a guy “Got a light?”
Breaking news!!! You die even if you don’t smoke!!!
mojo i think you should add this as #11
smoking gives you a weapon in an arguement
having a dispute with your women of the night/hoes about health care or wages? nothing teaches them a lesson like a cigarette burn. or if you get into a fight and you know an ass kicking is headed your way. pretend your a ninja, blow a cloud of smoke and run like a bitch.
Dawn: You can DOOOO it!
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Tara: It would be a handy pick up line.
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Unfortunate Bastard: You mean I’m gonna’ die? Fuck this, I’m smokin’ a whole pack tonight!
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eric: I like the ninja idea… I think I might actuualy use that sometime.
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Ever since I read a blurb in Men’s Health about how the male smoker’s average penis length is an inch shorter than a non-smoker’s… when I see a guy smoking, I think about them having a tiny penis.
Oh, I don`t know…I think when I light up , I smell like a beautiful Spring morning in the mountains, with all the little birdies and butterflies flying around. Just close your eyes and you can hear the bubbling brook flowing lazily down the hillside.
And Bastard is right…I knew a guy one time who Never smoked…and He died.
Robguy: A whole inch? Wow… I need to get the word out to ladies about that. “Non-smoker over here girls!”
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Phred: You lucky bastard.
Damn… I recently quit again and the one thing I like is not smelling like a stale smoky 24 hour OTB …other than that I miss the always good cigarette and alcoholic drink combination.
rice-n-chicken: I actually agree with you… when I go out, I still get the urge to light up when I drink.
Smoking is awful no matter what, burning some one…… yeah burn me III WWWIIILLL sue you!!! IT’S NOT COOL AT ALL I rather live than die wheres your brains? use them and stop>>>get a better life and quit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!