Why Parents Hate Me
[photopress:happy_kid.jpg,full,alignright]I figured this out while I was on a business trip last week in New Mexico: Parents with little kids usually like me at first, but they always end up hating me in the end. The reason is simple too. I’m just an immature bastard.
There’s always a thought process I go through when meeting the kids of people I know for the first time. See, I need to find out if a toddler is going to be worth paying attention to. So if they aren’t going to provide me with entertainment, I’ll be able to figure it out up front. Here’s the list:
- Does the kid have boogers or any other easily visible bodily fluids on him or her? Correct Answer: no
- Does the kid have one of those looks that says: “I’m a little shit and I’m so spoiled I got a video iPod for my 2nd birthday”? Correct Answer: no
- Does the kid like to run around a lot and seem like he or she likes mischief? Correct Answer: yes
- Does the kid laugh all the time when their parents tell them to do something in a serious tone? Correct Answer: yes
If the kid passes the above criteria then chances are I’m going to like him or her. And if they passed the criteria then chances are even better that the kid is a boy, since for some reason little girls seem so much more well behaved before they hit puberty.
The reason I know I’m going to like the kid is because I know I’m probably going to laugh at all of the naughty stuff they’re going to do. Say for instance, a 3 year old wants to eat a whole peanut butter and jelly sandwhich but his mom says, “Just eat a half, and if you’re still hungry when you finish you can have another half.” The child then argues with the mom that he knows he wants two halves NOW, but the mother never gives in. So the boy takes two halves of a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich, one in each hand, looks his mom directly in the eye and proceeds to quickly take a bite out of both halves as quickly as he can. Understandably, you can probably imagine a mother’s reaction: screaming and yelling about ‘how can you defy me like that?” and blah, blah, blah.
But to me, that’s funny as hell. I would laugh my ass off, and not out of disrespect for the mom, I just wouldn’t be able to help myself. Incidently, I was the 3 year old kid in that story… so maybe you can see how far back in my development I started to have issues.
How does your girlfriend put up with you?
You know that if you ever procreate, karma is going to enjoy biting you in the ass.
Robguy: Hmmm… watching ‘My Name is Earl’ has really gotten me interested in this karma business. Maybe I should try and temper my immature ways just a tad.
Your not a parent yet, are you? Having one of your own will suddenly make you an adult suddenly.
Actually, that’s only true part of the time. With my son, I get to share my love of Star Wars and Voltron. At 2, he would be humming the “Emperial March” song at the stores, and Star Wars geeks would recognize Darth Vader’s theme song…and they have to shake my hand.
Also, fart jokes are always funny.
You’d love my son. He’s Dennis the Menace incarnate. You can check out my 5 year old’s website at http://www.dominatorsworld.blogspot.com. He loves Bionicles.
Wait, you’ve actually run across parents that talk back to their KIDS?? I didn’t think they made those anymore. ;)
You evil evil bastard, encouraging that kind of behavior. When I tell my girls they can’t do something in my “serious” tone, they laugh at me. Those brats.
It is too hard not to laugh at children who are being defiant, especially when the parents set themselves up. If ya don’t want the kid to eat both halves, only give them one. I have had to turn my back to my niece so as not to laugh outloud. Usually in those situations, my sister is also having a hard time holding it in and correcting said niece at the same time.
Phoenix: No not a parent yet… and I know I’ll have to change my tone as soon as I become one. Hehehe… Imperial March huh? That’s great stuff.
And it does sound like your son would be pretty entertaining. Did he build all of those Bionicles pictured on his blog?
nicole: Well… they don’t really talk back. They just look at me while I’m chuckling and give me the evil eye.
Riss: Haha! I try not to encourage it directly, but sometimes I can’t stop laughing right in front of them when they do something bad…
tubawench: Oh my mom didn’t mean to give me both halves… I snatched them both myself and took a chunk out of each one before she could stop me. Sometimes I think its worse to try and turn away and laugh… seems like the kids know exactly what you’re doing.
oh man, I’m the same way. when kids do something bad, and the parents get all pissed, I’ll be there practically IN PAIN from holding in my laughter! GAWD, I love not having little rugrats running around!
Dawn: It gets really tough sometimes… especially if I don’t know the parents. If I let a laugh slip out then I always get the evil eye.