Obsessions and Quirks

Aye, papi! I’ve kind of shied away from this ‘tagging’ thing. But since JJ at The Churning is such a cool cat I gotta go ahead and participate. Plus it’s actually kind of cool. This one is supposed to be about “5 Weird Habits”. Not really too difficult, except that I have to narrow it down to 5. Plenty of crap that’s particular or weird about me, but interesting enough to get some laughs on the blog? I dunno… But I’ll give it a shot.[photopress:fidget.jpg,thumb,alignright]

1. I poop a lot - As in often. I don’t think I go a stretch without taking a shit about 3 times a day minimum. I go 5 times a day too. And it has nothing to do with eating nasty stuff or diarrhea all over the place. It’s just a nice healthy shit a minimum of thrice daily. I can’t fathom only going every few days. And for those people that only go that often: How the hell do you keep everything you eat for 2 or 3 days in your intestines? I know JJ already covered this, but since it’s a subject very close to my, er… heart, I had to mention it too.
2. I have WAY too many shoes - I probably have 20+ pairs of shoes that I wear on a consistent basis. For those of you counting, that means I could wear a different pair of shoes for 2/3 of a month before I had to start over. Girls probably aren’t that shocked by the number, but I’m sure guys are. I think I actually own more shoes than my girlfriend. I’m not even that metro-sexual… and haven’t spent more than $110 on a pair (once only on some sweet Nike Air’s 8 years ago), but I do like nice footwear. I don’t know when it started either. I’ve been obsessed with shoes since I was a little kid. I used to draw my own line of sneakers and give each different shoe model its own name. This was when I was 10 years old people. I think it had something to do with my mom never getting me the Nike Air kicks all the cool kids were wearing. And it’s not like my collection is all dress shoes either. Let me see if I can remember the list from memory:
   • 3 pairs of Dress Oxfords (brown, burgundy and black)
   • 3 pairs of boots (casual, hiking, and working)
   • 2 pairs of flip-flops (Notre Dame soccer, and a shower pair)
   • 1 pair of slippers
   • 3 pairs of running shoes
   • 2 “casual ” pairs of sneakers (ya know, just for chillin’)
   • 2 pairs of casual brown leathers (brown and black)
   • 2 pair of leather sandals/flipflops
   • 1 pair wrestling shoes
   • 1 pair soccer cleats

   You can probably tell from the fact that I can recount every shoe I own from memory, that I have a wee bit of a problem. And these are all shoes I wear on a regular basis. This doesn’t count the ones I have lying underneath crap or are too old to wear except for working outside. And if I had more money, I have as many shoes as all those rich fucks on MTV cribs. Call me gay if you want to, I don’t care… I’ve got my shoes biatches.

3. I keep my vehicle spotless but my bedroom is disgusting - For the past 6 or 7 years, I have kept the inside of my vehicle pretty darn clean. You’ll never find left over cans or trash sitting in a vehicle I own, unless someone else left it of course, and then only for as long as it takes me to notice it. Now, I don’t wash my vehicle religiously or anything like that. I just don’t let anything clutter it up. I point this out mainly because it is such a sharp contrast to how my bedroom looks, and has looked for the better part of a decade. It’s an absolute pig sty. Clothes mounded up in corners and on tables, 15 year old computer pieces-parts all over the place, a 55 gallon aquarium that’s probably harboring 126 types of lethal bacteria since it’s about half full of water and hasn’t had fish in it for over a year now. I’m not sure why there is such a discrepancy in why I keep my truck spotless but leave the room I sleep in looking like a 15 year old pot-head lives there 20 hours a day along with 5 of his closest fellow bowl-tokers.
4. My gas can kill medium-sized rodents - This is a family trait really. My brothers and I can clear a room the size of a high-school cafeteria if we play our cards right the night before. I’m talking about careful planning: Jim Beam, Bud Light, a ’super-ho’ burger from Tolly-Ho, more Jim Beam and you’ve got yourself a recipe for disaster. If you think I’m joking about clearing a huge room, you should talk to the folks at Dixie Heights High School in northern Kentucky. The whole gym smelled like a combination of embalming fluids and rotten eggs one Saturday we were there to coach during a wrestling tournament. One of the school’s coaches wanted to evacuate the building. Ok, part of that was ‘fart spray‘, but we were clearing parts of the bleachers ourselves until “someone” reverted to chemical warfare.
5. I fidget with EVERYTHING - When I say everything, I mean it. I don’t know what form of OCD or ADD I have, but I’m literally playing with something in my hands all day long. Yeah, go ahead and make your masturbation jokes, but that probably only occupies about 1-2 hours of my day, tops. The rest of the time I’m fidgeting with whatever I’m wearing. When I was still an undergrad I had earrings that I would constantly be fooling with, and if I ever wore a ring, it was in my hand being turned around more than it was on my finger. And now that I’ve got myself an honest-to-goodness full-time job, I’m a little limited on the things I can wear and fidget with. So, sans earrings, I’m constantly either playing with my watch or my hair. Yes, I said hair. I twirl it like a god damn girl, OK! That’s why I keep it relatively short now, so I have less of a tendency to act like a valley-girl in front of my co-workers. That really just leaves my watch, cell phone, and glasses. Throughout the course of a normal day, you’ll probably find 1 or all 3 of those things on my desk at work about 20-30 times. That means I take them off and put them back on that many times just because my hands need something to do besides typing.

OK, wow. Maybe I didn’t want to know all that about myself, which probably means I didn’t want the 15 people that stop by the blog regularly (thank you by the way) to know all this stuff either. Hopefully the humor in the list will be worth it. The sad thing is, my girlfriend will read this, nod her head and smile at everything on the list, and still sleep with me. I better remember that the next time I think I can get away with not changing the sheets on my bed for the better part of a year.

So, now for my turn on “tagging” some peoples with this little meme. Here’s my list of bloggers who I’d like to see a list from:

• Michael Garrett Burns of ‘The Final Days’
• The Phoenix
• eric of ‘badtofu’
• ngregory00 of ‘NicoleMART’
• DLAK of ‘DLAK’s Blog of the Living Dead’

Like JJ said, no one should feel obligated to participate, but of course we all want to know how OCD everyone else is.

[tags]commentary, list, personal, funny, humor, ocd, obsessions[/tags]