This is your life

OK, I haven’t done one of these lists in a LONG time. Mainly because I’m a dejected blogger who never gets “tagged” with anything. Or maybe its because when I do get “tagged”, I say I’m going to get around to it about 5 times, but never do.

This one is from Nicole. Apparently the object of the post is to ‘bold’ anything on the 150-item list that you’ve actually done. But I’m going to spice it up a little. First, I’m going to give a little quip about each of the items that I’ve done, and secondly, I’m going to lie about 5 items.So why don’t you guess the 5 I’ve lied about. Here’s your first hint: I haven’t yet had the pleasure of leaving the continent of North America.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink - I don’t remember it, so it must have been for something special.
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain - The real bitch is getting down.
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid - Walk like an Egyptian…
06. Held a tarantula - Not the brightest thing I’ve ever done.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone - My brothers thought it was a little weird, but thank goodness they’re open minded.
08. Said “I love you” and meant it - Yes mom, I really meant it this time.
09. Hugged a tree - I was young and naive, OK!
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea - ARRRRRRR… you’re drivin’ me nuts!
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise - The crack MAY have had a little to do with this.
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game - UK Football… does that even count?
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables - Mmm mmm mmmmm… better than that bitch, Ms. Jackson, grows in her yard, I’ll tell you that!
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars - Last weekend as a matter of fact.
20. Changed a baby’s diaper - So far, just that one time.
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower - That was some cool shit kemosabe.
23. Gotten drunk on champagne - Just not in the champagne ROOM.
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope - And I saw URanus! Awesome!
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment - Next thing you know the bully at the urinal next to me is standing over my limp body.
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse - Hellz Yeah! Hit an Exacta Box just two weeks ago! I was still down for the day, damn it.
29. Asked out a stranger - Let’s just say it didn’t go as well as I’d hoped.
30. Had a snowball fight - If you haven’t then you’re one of those retards who live in a “semi-tropical” climate. I spit on you!

More useless facts after the jump.

31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can - And she still didn’t say sorry. Imagine that.
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse - My retinas are still mad at me for this one.
34. Ridden a roller coaster - Hence the nickname “poopie-pants”!
35. Hit a home run - Does it count if it got caught under the crappy fence at the back of the outfield?
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking - Missy Elliot just has that effect on me.
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day - I probably thought this was a LOT cooler than it really was.
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment - Yup… I remember that moment.
39. Had two hard drives for your computer - Oh yeah baby… I double-hard-drive it up ALL the time.
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk - Makes you remember why everyone gets so pissed when they have to take care of YOU.
42. Had/Have amazing friends - Such kidders! Just last week they knifed my tires. Hilarious!
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country - The ‘policia’ south of the border just don’t think this is as friendly as I do.
44. Watched whales - Real whales… not the “your fraternity brother will regret this in the morning” kind.
45. Stolen a sign - But I’ll never admit to it in court.
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip - I’d say 50% of these bolded items probably occurred during a road-trip.
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your cds - OK, I was REALLY bored that day. And it’s never happened again.
57. Pretended to be a superhero - Does running around your parent’s backyard naked with a cape count?
58. Sung karaoke - I think it was Sister Sledge, “All My Sisters and Me”… can you get any gayer?
59. Lounged around in bed all day - Why is this only on here once?
60. Played touch football - Of course I’m the one that ends up really tackling the quarterback. Stupid no-tackling rule.
61. Gone scuba diving - The closest to flying that I will probably ever come.
62. Kissed in the rain - I don’t think my dog was as into it as I was.
63. Played in the mud - Are you kidding? Tonka Trucks and mud puddles were my passion!
64. Played in the rain - Played what? And who hasn’t?
65. Gone to a drive-in theater - Not as cool as it sounds.
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class - Why do you think I can do the crane kick?
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party - Again, didn’t really turn out as well as I thought it would.
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch - Once and only once.
78. Won first prize in a costume contest - I was just some Italian Guido with a sock in my pants. Who woulda’ thunk it?
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo - Yeah. I’m cool like that.
81. Rafted the snake river
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Gotten flowers for no reason - Stalkerlicious, I know.
84. Performed on stage - To “YMCA” while dressed a a Chip-N-Dale dancer…back when I wasn’t so flabby.
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music - Computers make this WAY to easy for those of us that suck at it.
87. Eaten shark - Tastes like chicken.
88. Kissed on the first date - Rico, Suave baby!
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship - I wanted to get shipwrecked on a deserted island, but no such luck.
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in a Rocky Horror Picture Show
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold - Another one of those “Why is this only on here once?”
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking - Yup. I don’t give a shit. If I want to belt out “Fuck Her Gently” by Tenacious D I’m going to do it right.
103. Had plastic surgery - Bet you can’t guess where…
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds - I used to be a real porker.
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray - I’m still wondering how one of these could kill a man.
110. Broken someone’s heart - But I think I fixed it.
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone - Just the price one pays for being so manly.
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol - All of the above, son!
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild - And I thought reality was going to swallow my soul.
118. Ridden a horse - No wonder cowboys are bow-legged.
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet - Right up until it slithered into my dad’s bed.
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours - What? And you HAVEN’T? Don’t judge me.
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat - Tastes like chicken, part 2.
127. Eaten sushi - Everyday if I could afford it.
128. Had your picture in the newspaper - I think I only had 13 minutes of fame. I think I’m due another 2.
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about - Chastity told me they’re REAL, damn it!
130. Gone back to school - Basically I never left.
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach - I called him George and we became bestest buds.
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes - Damn good southern cooking.
134. Read “The Iliad”
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language - You kind of have to be able to do that in my neighborhood.
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts - I bet you wish you were as cool as me!
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you - Who would want to by that crap?
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair - I had a ‘blonde’ phase, a ‘peroxide orange’ phase, and a ’so dark it’s purple’ phase.
147. Been a DJ - For a gaggle of little kids. It’s amazing how many times they requested “Doin’ Da’ Butt” and “Baby Got Back”.
148. Shaved your head - Another one of my ‘phases’.
149. Caused a car accident - Well, that’s what the insurance company “claimed” anyway.
150. Saved someone’s life

If you can’t figure out which 5 I’ve lied about, I’ll keep adding hints until someone gets it. Good luck! I never tag anyone else, because then I’d just be obnoxious.