The Cart Lady at Wal-Mart
I was doing some last-minute Christmas shopping recently, and I had the pleasure of doing it at my friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart. I was in kind of a hurry and only had a few items. The store was packed to the rafters with your typical Wal-Martians. So I decided my best bet was to get in the “express” self-checkout lanes. What a mistake that was.
There were two women in front of me. The first one looked like your typical redneck with a whining little kid in the front of her cart. The next woman, directly in front of me, was one of those ‘I’m a crotchety over-weight old bitch who always uses the motorized carts‘ kind of gal. I should have been more aware of my surroundings before I stepped into this god-forsaken line.
First off, the bitch in front was having trouble with the self-checkout. Most rednecks do. I was going to give her the benefit of the doubt, since even the most retarded shoppers can figure it out after a couple minutes. Turns out I shouldn’t have. After five minutes of her attempts at scanning the same items and punching the same buttons on the screen I get a little antsy. Turns out the lane attendant, who looks like she’s just been run through by three varsity football teams, has to come over and provide some assistance.
I’m wondering what the hell could cause this kind of hold up. Then I hear lady number one talking to cart lady number two. She’s apologizing for taking so long. Cart lady number two says something like “That’s okay sweetheart, it’s no big deal.” I think to myself that, no, its not a big deal. And redneck lady number one is sorry that she’s wasting my time like she is.
But then she says one more interesting thing: “I thought my husband gave me more money than this.” Oh no she didn’t! You’re telling me that I’m sitting here twiddling my thumbs because you have to ‘un-scan’ item after item until your total is an amount you can actually afford?
Some of you might say I’m being a little harsh on the lady, but I assure you I am not. I’ve heard the words “I thought [insert anyone] gave me more money than this” so many times while waiting in checkout lines that I shouldn’t have been surprised when lady number one uttered them. See, the people that say that ARE LYING. No one gave them money to come to the store. They just started throwing shit in their cart without budgeting out how much they could actually buy. And because the bitch two people in front of me didn’t feel like adding up how much she was spending, I have to wait in the ‘express-lane’ for an extra 10 minutes.
So I collect myself, and watch as the lane attendant ‘un-scans’ not one, not two, not five, but ten items from the woman’s order. 
I just shake my head and stand there like a good little citizen. But what happens next makes my blood boil. It involves the comments made by the cart lady directly in front of me.
Let me set this up. The motorized cart lady had been bitching that she couldn’t get the motorized cart to work right just a few minutes before the lane attendant came over to help the ‘not-enough-money lady’ with her order. So motorized cart lady says this gem to the lane attendant: “I need you to go to the front of the store and get me another cart. This here one don’t work right and it keeps dying on me. So I need you to bring me another cart so I can get my groceries and actually get home!”
I wanted to punch the dumb bitch in the back of the head. I wanted to scream at her, “You’re 15 feet from the front of the store! You walked in here didn’t you?!? You seriously want the only employee within 50 feet of us to walk out into the front foyer, get you another motorized cart, bring it to you, sit there while you switch to the new one, and then drive the one you say doesn’t work back to the front of the store???” It would be different if this lady was actually handicapped, or was really old. But she was just another lazy bitch that didn’t feel like walking around ’such a big store’, which meant she also felt entitled to a motorized cart, and a working one at that.
Just then a self-checkout lane to my left opened up and people behind me started heading for it. I was all like, “Unh uh!” and did my best LaDainian Tomlinson impression elbowing my way to the scanner. So, to make a long story short, 15 minutes after I got in the ‘express lane’, I checked out my 12 items and paid for them in less than a minute. God I hate rednecks.
Repeat after me: I will NEVER, EVER get in the express lane again!
I heard they had a Blue Light Special over in aisle 5. Rocket launchers. You should have sprung for one. It might have come in handy.
Omnipotent One: But Poobah, they’re so attractive… with their promise of expedited checkouts, and sexy self-scanner thingies. It’s so hard to say no!
walmart is great and not so great. good for low cost stuff, and then not so great for low cost shoppers.
too bad you couldn’t somehow lock the throttle in forward and directed the fat pig out the door into traffic!!
I was at a [big-box retail store that's NOT Wal-Mart] last night… (it was a Meijer, why did I just try to hide that fact???) …standing in the self-checkout lane waiting to wait… when a clerk opened a real express lane right next to me. I did the LaDainian Tomlinson impression and checked out with my NYE booze lickety split.
And on that note, enjoy your new year!
Jeff: If I had seen a throttle lever I would have gladly sent that old witch on her way.
minijonb: I’m glad I’m not the only one who acts like a running back when it comes to getting a fast check out lane.
Problem #1: You’re shopping at Wal Mart.
Problem #2: It’s holiday time.
That’s a recipe for disaster, my friend.
JJ: I don’t know what I was thinking… I should have known it would end up like that.
24 hour Walmarts are the best. You should see what kind of rednecks come out of the woods after midnight. At that point, you’d be too tired to really get bothered by it, but you get a nice show.
Phoenix is right. You haven’t seen rednecks until you’re waiting in a Wal-Mart line at 3 a.m. ~shudder~
People who have that arrogant sense of entitlement need to be shot. I’m just sayin’. :)
I never fail to leave walmart without an eye twitch for the rest of the day. it’s so dreadful in there….
Phoenix: I’m a semi-regular to Wal-Mart suring the wee hours, but I’m definitely too tired to worry about the riff-raff that’s in there with me.
ajooja: Sadly enough, 3am is usually the time you see strippers on their way home from work checking out too… They don’t quite look the same in sweat pants under the bright Wal-Mart lights.
Dawn: Dreadful is an understatement.
Walmart is EVIL. Never set foot in one again. Here we have “Big W”, I’m not sure if they’re an offspring of Walmart or Kmart or what… I haven’t gotten into Australian eco-politics yet.
Robguy: I’m pretty sure they’re related. Wal-Mart is making all kinds of inroads into Asian and Pacific economies… So you can’t escape the corporate villain even in Australia!!
Now I know that I am going to be hated…but….WalMart is not that bad. Ok the people are and the workers are, but Sam Walton was not a bad guy. I am sure the new corp people are asses but for the most part wal-mart is a decent place. I watched the story on Sam Walton and Wal-Mart and he had good intentions. Plus he was run out of town when he first started.
Plus around here there is a local grocery store that is making big gains in this market and others and for some reason no one seems to mind when they come in, build a monster store and put out the other local “hometown” grocery stores. Kind of 2 sided with the people in my area.
But it is a comical event to head to a Wal_mart and just sit back and watch the poeple that are there!
Jeff: I was just playing into popular stereotypes. Wal-Mart isn’t “evil” per se… but the effect it can have on local economies can be difficult for citizens to take.
F that noise. Wal Mart is evil.
http://www.walmartmovie.com/
http://fastcompany.com/magazine/77/walmart.html
JJ: Well, you’ve got to respect an organization that made itself solely on one factor: low prices. I think Wal-Mart is really the embodiment of ‘evil traits’ within our own population. The reason Wal-Mart has grown to be the largest company in the world is that their one and only strategy, “lowest prices”, is what consumers demand most. You don’t ever think of good service or quality products when it comes to Wal-Mart. It’s “low price” on everything that comes to mind. And apparently, the U.S. and the rest of the world want that above all else.
Personally, I hate it. I believe quality products and good service are worth a whole hell of a lot more than the typical consumer shows through their buying behavior. Wal-Mart will only stop growing/dominating when consumers start valuing other aspects of retail shopping other than low price. Unfortunately I don’t see that happening any time soon.
The only time I go into Wal-Mart is when I need to buy something within the next 20 minutes or I really need to buy something between the hours of 11pm and 6am. I wish I could say I never shop there, but my need for convenience outweighs my ethical beliefs at times.
I’m with you, dude. I totally shop at Wal Mart from time to time. I got a badass plain navy zip up hoodie there for $9 just a couple of weeks ago.
Yeah, it’s evil, but I can accept that when I’m getting a real bargain.
I also eat Kellogg cereals, drink Coca Cola products, and smoke Marlboros.
And meanwhile, I’m sure a regular lane was going faster. That happens many times.
I felt your pain and yet I can’t help laughing. I can just feel the frustration you had. I have yet to be in back of motorized cart lady, but I’ve been behind some other dumb asses.
JJ: It’s kind of surprising what we’re willing to accept when we’re getting bargain. :) And Kellogg is on the bad list? I’m going to have to boycott cereal too?
Tara: I’m glad you could laugh about it, or at least found it mildly humorous. That’s what I aim for. Otherwise I’m just a guy who bitches on the internet about all the ‘bad’ stuff that happens to him.
i hate every time i go mc’donalds there’s a fat white girl buying a black man with no job freakin food.
pissed redneck: Really? What McDonald’s do you go to? And how often do you really go to McDonald’s?
LOL - I thought I was the only one who felt like this!!!
But you know…they’re all so right, so white, so prim, so proper. I went there the other day and turned down one of the food aisles. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me…they were parked every which way! Some of them weren’t even shopping, just standing there talking about PTA stuff. Pissed me off. And then they have the nerve to turn around and glare when you say excuse me. Like cockroaches. Yeeesh, get a life, you have to go to Walmart to visit with your friends?
…then they think just because they’re wheeling around in one of the fat-scooterz, they have more right-of-way than you. Get off your fat-ass and walk and maybe you won’t need the scooter anymore!
Here’s what I really hate. Redneck women, overweight, wearing those low-rise jeans and thongs underneath, squatting down to price out the baby formula or diapers or just getting their large ass in everybody’s way. I mean, really! Nobody wants to see that stuff.
Then they want to be noticed. They cooooome along and get right in front of you and pretend to read labels on the food. Pffft! As big as they are, I doubt they always read labels - get the hell out of my way! And if you don’t notice them right away (ever notice this?) they’ll make more of a pest of themselves. Like it just stings them not to be the center of your attention. They’ll reach across in front you with their flabby chest in your face and say in a high-girly voice that you know isn’t their real voice, “excuuuuuse me!” Pffft! Yeah. I work out and bust my ass on a treadmill so I can come to Walmart to notice some flabby redneck.
Go home!