Transporter 2: Just Too Much
I had the non-pleasure of watching Transporter 2 this weekend. See, the girlfriend is a bit of a Jason Statham fan, and as much as I hate to admit it, I really did like him in Snatch and Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels. That’s why she bought me Transporter 2 for Christmas. We sat down on the couch expecting something in the lines of The Transporter, which is to say, an action flick that had a few ‘not-so-believable’ moments but would be entertaining overall.
Not so much. What we got was the most unbelievable piece of crap ever passed off as a summer blockbuster. From the first scene to the last, it was one ridiculous stunt after another. Let me list off the most blatant offenses so you won’t have to subject yourself to the same buffoonery. The reasons this movie was so unbelievable after the jump [Spoiler Warning!]:
- The very first scene of the movie involves 8 guys coming out of nowhere in a parking garage to beat up Jason Statham’s character and steal his ride. Not only does he kick all of their asses, but he tells them to “STOP!” and let him take off his suit coat because its just been dry-cleaned. After the ass-beating, the girl holding a gun (in a Catholic school-girl uniform no less) that started the whole thing screams, throws the gun down, and runs away in her high-heels with her hands flailing above her head. Classy.
- The next big offender is the scene where ‘The Driver’ is escaping a bunch of police cruisers by driving UP a parking garage, where he eventually busts through several concrete barriers and finally escapes the coppers by crashing through the side wall of the garage at full speed, only to skid to a halt 10 stories up in the under-construction garage across the street. All this with about as much damage as you might expect to take from a minor fender bender. Show me a car that can just crash through concrete like that and I’ll show you how I can shoot free-throws with my testicles.
- Moving on to the ‘bomb under the car’ scene. Probably the most unbelievable stunt in the whole flick. Statham’s character need to get rid of a bomb the bad guys planted under his car about 30 seconds ago. He has about another 30 seconds to drive away and figure out what to do. What does he decide to do? I think it would be obvious by now! Why he drove up a make-shift ramp, ’spiraling’ his car through the air, so the nearby crane’s hook could hit the bomb at ‘just’ the right angle to rip it off so he could drive off unscathed of course! This scene made me want to barf Wendy’s chicken nuggets on the TV screen.
- The whole ‘diabolical plot’ hatched by the bad guys involved some super flu virus that was only active for 24 hours, but was highly contagious for anyone that came close to someone who was infected. This is where the movie crumbles apart for me. The kidnapped kid gets ‘returned’ to his parents for the sole purpose of infecting them with this super flu virus. The dad is supposed to take his infected self to some symposium of drug czars to infect all of them. Following all this? Well, it turns out that Statham’s character and a whole bunch of cops and FBI are exposed directly to the kid or some other sick person, and they never get sick. At all. If you’re going the infectious disease route, at least make it act the same for every character.
- Finally, the ‘climax’ of the movie where Statham’s character must somehow get the ‘antidote’ out of the body of the drug lord mercenary who injected all of the remaining doses into his blood stream without killing him. Not only can I not figure how in the hell he does this, but the movie just ends with everyone getting better. I call shenanigans!
Still not convinced? Fine, go ahead and waste a Netflix rental watching this garbage. See what I care. I’m just doing my civic duty by spreading the word. If you actually like this movie after renting it, then I didn’t want to know you anyway. Jason Statham better hold out for something better next time around or I’m boycotting his ass. I don’t care how hot my girlfriend says he is! Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention how over-the-top the lingerie-clad flat-chested assassin was! Although the movie does have about 20 close-ups of her crotch, just to “make sure” you saw her tattoo.
You can shoot free throws with your testicles? Damn, chicks must really dig that.
The first Transporter flick was halfway decent. Particularly the opening chase scene. The second Transporter flick sucked ass. When I saw the scene where he flips the car to dispose of the bomb, I nearly shit myself. Horrendous.
JJ: My feelings exactly… I looked at my girlfriend when he flipped the car to get rid of the bomb and just said “You’ve got to be kidding me…” Hell, a 10 year old kid would call bullshit on that one.
His “next” film was Crank. From what I’ve heard it hasn’t gotten much better.
Sounds ridiculous. Thanks for helping me not waste my time and money on this one.
anonymouscoworker: That’s right! Crank sounds about as bad as The Transporter 2… I really might have to write him off.
Phoenix: Well, if I could actually get back to writing posts about NEW movies, I probably would have saved a few more people the trouble of seeing this one.
Snatch and Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels were good enough that I’ll forgive Statham for Transporter 2. Hell, I’ll even check out Crank. I’ll report back after I see it.
JJ: Those two movies were the only reasons I didn’t dump on Statham in the post… And definitely tell me how Crank is.
Statham is just so cool. I have a little bit of a “man crush” on him. :)
I’ve been thinking about seeing Crank, even though everything I’ve heard about it is pretty bad.
I didn’t care for the first Transporter, so I didn’t plan on seeing the second. Now I really won’t be seeing it. I don’t like movies that have a lot of unbelievable shit. Which is why I don’t like most Quintin Tarentino (i know I spelled that wrong, but you know who I mean) movies. They suck. (I suck too, but keep that on the DL) =)
I really enjoyed Transporter, and was equally dissappointed when my BF brought home the second one. I did laugh a lot at the plot though, so that was kinda fun. Then again, I think i was stoned.
mojo, I dont think that was you that added me recently but if it was jj has my profile. send me an addy.
tanks in advance.
ajooja: Ahhh… the obligatory man-crush. Its OK guy, it happens to the best of us!
April: You have to love Pulp Fiction though! Yeah sure, a few unbelievable parts, but still one bad mother fucker of a movie! If you’re referring to Kill Bill volumes 1 & 2, then yes, unbelievable city.
And yes, I’ll keep your secret about how much you suck…
juicya: Switch that BF to GF and you’ve got my Transporter saga on lock!
mulk: I’m looking for your profile as I write this…
I rented this a few months ago… I feel like I lost 90 minutes of my life watching this crap.
minijonb: I’m glad I’m not the only one who felt such a profound loss…
I really got admit that I didn’t notice how bad the movies was… I was too focused on Amber Valletta, who probably has the best legs in business.
… and so shoul’ve you.
http://starophileimages2.free.fr/wallpapers/amber_valletta_006.jpg
I despised the first one and tried to sit through the second one but failed. I pounced on the first excuse to bounce, “Oh hey look, we need more Ziploc bags, I’ll go pick some up.”
Mojo,
Awfully quiet. Everything OK?
RockyJay: I dunno… that’s definitely one model who’s too skinny for me.
Riss: If the girlfriend hadn’t bought it for me, I would have looked for a similar excuse.
Poobah: I’m still here! I have too many excuses to count… I promise it iwll pick up shortly though!
hey, where’d you go? come back!
Dawn: I’m baaaAAAaack…
Man you guys don’t know how to have fun. This movie is a blast to watch. It isn’t the best plot and some parts are a bit silly but it’s a great action movie and Frank Martin and his indestructible car are badass.
Jason: The first Transporter was pretty good, but this last one just asked too much of my “willing suspension of disbelief”. It would have been a better plot for a cartoon.
I Agree with Jason Delaney, the movie wasn’t meant to be practical, it would have been boring. Action movies are meant to have rediculous and innovative stunts that defy what is possible in a real life situation, thats what makes them awesome. Plus look on the bright side, Transporter 2 wasn’t as bad as this clip from Batman the TV show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPYShBDTfdA